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early one morning the sun was shining

i was layin' in bed

7/19/06 08:21 pm - the joy of the good pussy whore.

somehow it never quite unrumples in an easy "now the bed is made" flick of the wrist. always crawling over the mattress fidgeting with the corners of the coverlet, knees dropping like meteorites leaving craters in the smooth fabric. chasing around after myself tidying up the rabble left behind my first pass. my life is one big unkemp bed. usually i'm alright with that. it's mine and i keep it the way i find it comfortable. but why on earth do people have to push me out of the way, peel down their sweaty little panties and piss me a river. as if living in a house of lunacy and death riddled dog feces isn't enough of an adventure in stamina.
what really nips at the tip of my shrivled little clit, though, is the attitude that creativity can be climbed on into. strapped on like a big bulbous cock, apple on a log, and along with it all the wisdom and grace. nearly fucking your english teacher in highschool does not make you a writer. listening intently to people describe the ecstacy found in vulnerability does not make you a martyre. un-empathetic voyerism is disgusting. to bleed one must first take the time to find the goddamn vein.
at the very least, i tamed the beast...if only for a time.

7/11/06 04:21 pm

can smile slyly to my secret self,
giggly and burble away -
point the imaginary finger with a
'ha ha...i saaawwww you!'
jumping bean soul flip flopping foppishly. but
move one toe - even thinking the thought is
taboo. and so very angry that it must be
so very angry
and ugly
and froggy toad warts.
i blow raspberries at the powers
that be - that me
in this freaky fumbled
crumpled
skin suit has too many holes
and not enough patches.
that it shouldn't take more
but it must
because i must
settle beneath the dust of ordinary.
make believe.
to relieve the spirit the burden
'ding ding ding, buzz, reraww...
we have a winner!'
the mystic adulation gives me constipation.
and although his smiles take me miles
- and other such trite crap-
the snap of reality
stings. can't lure the girl who
hawked the ring.
well, perhaps at first.
can't help the thirst for friendship
(and other warm comforts)
but i've learned lessons,
oh, yeah.
and the best one is that sweet stinks worse than feet.
my sort of belief speaks fuck
......you, me, then tea...
-nice to know you, goodluck.
see, fuck is so much easier,
squeezier.
that ill,
pill stuck in my throat look is NOT the
hook for this
been around the block wo-man.
give me something hard to break against,
not cushion for the pushin'-
cause i will push
and break
thru to the rock you didn't want me to see,
let alone feel
and bleed all over.
weird is all, perhaps because i looked
twice and you looked back.
can never be sure it i did it or not, so
i won't play. not by myself,
not that sad old song and dance again.
who needs it?
- the girl that feeds it -
sorry,
but don't feel that either!
(because i cried?), bullshit.
dare to give.

3/14/06 01:53 am

you frighten me. still, after all this time and men and tears and shifts within. hearing you makes me barefeet grass happy. wrapped up into you there is no sense of time for me, suddenly the most amazing space in being is the shape we create. no matter the defense i construct, i lose it all...and inside that gecko fleck of your iris i am simple, honest, and raw. something happens between us...and that frightens me.
you may very well kill me, but that chance is worth the laughter in your eyes. :) you make my smile true. thank you.

i told you that you frighten me....and you do. i haven't felt this way ...actually i haven't felt this way . i have no control over this, over the way i experience you. it is beyond sex, beyond friendship, and i can't understand it. i always have some element of control, whether it be physical or mental, but i am completely at your disposal. i have been since the beginning. you touch a place in me i thought dead. and just hearing your voice i am overwhelmed by this feeling of happiness. this song brings tears to my eyes and sunshine makes me giggle now and i laugh because it is all for you. there are so many facets to this weird thing that is me...many many are difficult and imperfect, but on a whole i realized one thing...you disquiet me in a way that is honest and real. i haven't been this open, and i wonder just exactly where it will take me. but, regardless, i trust it...and you. somehow i believe for the first time in the warmth in someones eyes. thank you for feeling whatever it is between us. i miss you more thqn i can ever say. i miss discovering you. aim thank you for loving me, for your friendship. together we share something completely insuler and perfect beyond human conception of the word. you are forever with me - this is the closest to religion i will ever come. i have spent a great deal of energy, thought, tears...money for alchohol...to understand how i can know joy beyond comparison and yet live each breath on the edge of sanity. i cannot change the fact of your existance, my reaction to that - i never fell in love with you. i've known your soul a long time~there was no beginning to this~i just have a face now to go along with the sensation. because of that, i cannot bear to ever have you tell me you love me again, see it in your eyes, feel it dripping from your tounge. being that close, tasting it, vacationing there is leagues away from existing in it.
i can't really fault your confusion, it's your rejection of what you don't understand. doesn't it serve reason to say that human contact begets self-exploration? if you have indeed served people your entire life, opening doors otherwise unexplored, that in turn you will be opened to new thought? even though you brought no new revelations to my door, i am a more paired down version of myself. because of 'petty human emotion' i have traversed layers of myself hitherto uncovered. i can give you words of anger and love, passion, despair...maybe even squeak out one or two apathetic phrases. but it's all the same, really, concerning you.

2/11/06 11:49 pm - smells like sex and vicks salve, yeah

starving, frozen, starkraving mad, rolling naked on the lawn of memory and regret. so i thought the night can't get much better or worse depending on the content of your purse of belief. being, a rare treat, an admiral feat in this day and age. buring myself in a page of nonsensical blather, ends gathered and tied, burned in a smudged prayer for a love diseased. do you taste the smoke, catch the sprinkle of broken glass, sharp staccato puncturing the midnight? riot that is our union. unbridled and unresolved, this paddle ball passionate loving free for all has just about bled me dry with every kiss and every lie of immunity. hate the rate at which yu turn from lilac wine to never in this lifetime. tanquerae with a twist of lime, cammomile cream with a honey bear rhyme. should probably lose the thread of memory as you do.

5/17/05 03:08 pm

Who the hell do you think you are? I know you as you do this aching in my heart for some sort of truth. You stretch right through me with such confidence I cannot understand the trust in your face that I have the answers. My mystery is my misery and the balm for your own unfathomable anguish. God. What have you for me? my answers, my relief? I don’t feel like the earth mother all you broken angels take me for. What sort of egocentric bastard has the idea that sacrificing myself to make them whole will make me stronger? Who set that value upon my blood, tears and time? How did my spirit, my love, all my lifetimes become the absolute rejuvination elixer? I am so angry with you right now. And somehow I know you know it. I hope you dream of it, my utter disgust at your selfishness. But we both know I will breath in your secrets like a dark summer musk settling through the screen. I will be what it is you need just by being, and as you wipe my blood from your wolfish grin I hope you are as thankful as i.

5/16/05 01:23 pm

why is it you I think of with a soft smile? Surprised that I have anything soft left to give. For you. For anyone. Including myself. I suppose amongst all you see my vulnerability is much more elusive than my intentions. Maybe not. Perhaps this broken and bruised heart is in fact beating out of my chest for you to examine thoroughly. Explains a lot I must say. However, I have yet to believe in anything you might claim to be, say or and feel. I simply can’t believe the tenderness in your eyes. I can’t. I’m not exactly sure what to do with you since you haven’t really tried to get me into bed. At all as a matter of fact. This makes me suspicious. it shouldn’t but the shouldn’t never really matter when it all comes down to it….we feel what we feel and I am afraid. I am. Scared shitless of you. It’s been a really long time since someone tried to get to know me, regardless of your reasoning, and I am at a total loss as to how to handle this. Do you really have any inkling as to how fucked up I am, that if you really want anything from me it’s going to have to be an effort. I’m not seamless.

5/12/05 01:47 pm

i am so tired
of knowing
feeling
tasting in the air tattooed with my smoke
exactly how wonderful
you think i am
tired of watching the weight of desire
sink slowly inside
when you turn
expecting me to follow

5/2/05 01:43 pm - memory

Why didn’t you love me?
that’s what I really need
to know. Why on earth
did I see you
walking
toward me for the first time and feel
something.
That thing
that makes me the asshole. THAT something.
Simple joy it was to just be near you.
Breathing
in your eyes
understanding a little more about soul.

11/17/04 01:15 am - how i remember the light of your eyes

i think about your cock.
i always have.
wonder about it, ponder
it's length and girth...possible color.
this excercise keeps you real y'know. a regular
guy that may or may not
have a pecker
that resembles a deformed sweet potato.
makes me a little less nervous
to sift
back through the memories.

11/13/04 12:09 am - after the show

i hated the throwing
that heavy bosomed heaving
rushing straight into your ice block

i hated them
pointy toed and half naked
drunk and reeking of sex

i hated the easy half smile
the sexy lean
the roving eye

i hated that i waited.
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